How love shapes us.
Text: Noëmi Kern
Relationships play a key role in our lives. A study by Basel psychologists shows how partnerships and personalities are interconnected.
Relationships, how they work and how we deal with loss and separation are things that matter to all of us. Indeed, what most people want is a happy partnership and for this to last as long as possible — ideally forever. Accordingly, people often talk about “failure” in the context of separations because the partners have failed to achieve the goal of everlasting love, but this aspiration rarely corresponds to reality. In other words, our view of relationships and how they end is highly normative.
Alexander Grob, Professor of Developmental and Personality Psychology, puts this into perspective: “You first have to learn how the cogs of interpersonal relationships fit together. This process takes place in the first decades of life.” Of course, the start of a relationship is generally a more enjoyable event than a separation, but changes can be positive in both directions. “I therefore feel it’s important to break down the stigma surrounding the end of a relationship.” After all, research shows that some people experience personal growth following a separation.
Relationship status and personality.
How people perceive the start of a new relationship or a separation varies from one individual to the next. “So far, there’s been barely any research into the subjective perception of relationship transitions,” says Grob, who has been researching issues surrounding relationships for several years. Now, Grob and his research group have investigated how personality and romantic relationships influence one another and develop mutually. The study followed some 1,800 people aged between 18 and 40 over a period of two and a half years and asked them about their day-to-day relationship experience at regular intervals. This allowed the researchers to gain insights into the developmental dynamic between personality and romantic relationships in single and partnered individuals.
Half of the participants were initially single, while the other half were in a steady relationship. Over the course of the study, numerous transitions took place — in other words, there were many changes in relationship status from single to partnered and vice versa.
Initial evaluations show that people with a more mature personality are more likely to enter a relationship than insecure and reserved individuals. In other words: “If I’m sure of my own personality, I’m also in a better position to get involved with someone else,” explains Grob. Moreover, self-assured people appear more attractive to others and more likely to be invited into a new relationship, as it were. “After all, it always takes two people for a new relationship to emerge. We seek stability and like to know what’s coming our way,” says the psychologist.
In contrast, people who are less sure of themselves have a lower probability of transitioning into a relationship and a higher probability of leaving one. Conversely, relationship status also affects personality, with the transition from single life to a relationship having a longer-term effect than vice versa. “A partnership leads to a maturing of the personality — that is, to higher values for extroversion, emotional stability, conscientiousness, agreeableness and openness to new experiences,” says Grob.
Distance helps at first.
In people with attachment anxiety, a relationship tends to reduce this fear over time. Although attachment anxiety increases again after a separation, the change in personality traits is less pronounced than in the transition from being single to partnered. “A partner helps to shape you. For example, you develop a shared rhythm in everyday life, plan your leisure time together and reach agreements on issues relating to cohabitation,” explains Grob.
There remains the question of how best to handle the end of a relationship. Sometimes, the first thing people need is simply a bit of distance in order to make room for anger, grief and anxiety. “Afterwards, however, it’s helpful to find meaning in what happened and avoid becoming bitter.” How do I explain my relationship story to myself? Do I hold the other person responsible for how I feel? Or do I reflect on myself and my role within this construct?
“Self-reflection and reflection within a partnership are vital. For example, you and your partner might conclude that you’ve drifted apart and that going your separate ways is the right thing to do.” The psychologist also advises that people ask themselves what they’ve learned from the other person, as this shows appreciation. After all, they were once in love with them. Grob is convinced of the importance of taking a break between relationships: “Those who jump straight into the next relationship miss out on the chance to get to know themselves better.” Indeed, being more assured of one’s own personality is an advantage when it comes to starting the next relationship.
More articles in this issue of UNI NOVA (May 2025).